Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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