YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize