I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
