Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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