I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
