I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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