Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
