the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
