non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
