Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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