I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
