It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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