Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just found a bag of teeth...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Oh god it's open bar.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
