I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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