woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
