so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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