If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Im part way to drunk.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
