You can't special order awesome
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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