Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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