i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize