This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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