Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
