Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
