You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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