just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
