i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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