i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
