there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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