I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
it hurts more in the daytime
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
