I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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