I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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