His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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