I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
