i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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