have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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