I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize