I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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