Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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