$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
