It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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