Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
