I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
