i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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