I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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