Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
