Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
