i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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