She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
