There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
