dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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