I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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