R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
