I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
