It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
