That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
