Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
