My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
